Idk why I’m apologizing, it’s my fucking blog
All I can think about lately is how alone I feel. Ever since I moved for college I’ve felt more and more alone. I have no friends here, I don’t like the people I work with (well I like one but who knows if she likes me), the people I’m in school with make me feel like shit and I feel so discouraged most of the time. It’s like what’s the point.
There’s nothing making me happy anymore.
Everything is so stressful and I can’t deal with it. I don’t know why but I hate myself/life more than usual. Maybe it’s cause the seasons are changing but I just feel so alone and pathetic and it’s like there’s no reason to keep running when you already know you won’t finish the race.
More more I keep thinking about how I probably cut and got depressed because I wanted attention or some stupid mental thing because I really don’t understand why I’m still so drawn to it. It’s like oh something happened in my life that I don’t like, time to cut. Oh I didn’t get the grade I wanted, time to cut. Oh look that person was rude to me, time to cut. It’s like whatever happens I still want to cut. I see my scars, I want to cut. I’m just chillin watching a movie, I want to cut. It’s raining, I want to cut.
It’s like it never goes away. It feels like I’ll never get past this. It’s like it will always be in the back of my head whispering suicide methods I should try.
I keep thinking about my childhood and I can’t really remember but I feel like I felt slightly neglected as a child. My mother had my brother two years before me and by the time I came along it was like they had already stated their own little club and I just always felt like I was on the sidelines watching. To this day I absolutely hate being ignored or interrupted. It makes me feel like shit when people start talking over me for no real reason other than they want to talk.
96% of the time I would rather be alone than with anybody. The best times I’ve ever had have been on my own, out rollerblading at might night or staying up late watching movies.
And of course some of the bad times are when I’m left alone with my thoughts but there’s only one person that I can actually talk to and lately she doesn’t have time for me and it hurts so much. I know she’s busy and I totally get it cause college is busy, I keep telling myself I’m just not used to it yet but it’s really getting to me. I think I’m just scared that if we break up, I’m never gonna meet anyone else and I’ll get taken by the undertow, pulled under a wave of depression, screaming for air wishing someone would hear me but on the other hand hoping no one notices cause I like my cave, I’m used to my sadness and it’s almost weird and scary to be happy and not worry about these things. Whenever it happens I doesn’t last. Of course that could be my fault, not letting last cause I’m scared but I can’t seem to help it.
And on top of all this, I feel so sexually confused. I know I like girls I just don’t know why I feel so uncertain about telling anyone. Literally no one knows except my girlfriend and I just feel so weird like I don’t know if I’m gay but I know I’m not straight. I hate feeling like I have to figure this out. But it’s like if I don’t I’ll forever be struggling with this and never sure of myself, always afraid to do anything with anyone cause who knows, I could change my mind about my sexual orientation and really hurt them. It’s so tough to figure out what I want and I hate that I feel so pressured to figure it out right now!
unlearning problematic behavior is a long ass process
you will fuck up
handle it gracefully.
It’s also… you’re not resetting to some sort of innate default. There isn’t a real core you that knows better and is above mistreating people; it’s — you’re learning a new skill. It’s not about purity. It’s about learning.